Introvert feelings

It's been quite a long time since I've taken to blogger. I've stopped reading many blogs and stopped writing here. There are times where I feel as if the things I have to say will effect no one. My words are appreciated, you know?

Lately I've been feeling very internal. I haven't really wanted to communicate with people and it physically hurts to throw myself out there. I sit here today toying with those same feelings. Being selfish, I just want to stay home. I want to crawl in a hole and stay there forever. It's not really beneficially to anyone though.

When the feelings surface, I tend to feel like I'm going to explode. I feel angry and emotional. I could sir on my couch all day, drowning in coffee, without a worry. This isn't fair to my family though.

I've became a master at dragging myself out of the house. I get dressed and barely look into a mirror. If I take that added second I could possibly change my mind. The boys need me to be out and about. They need to socialize and explore.

Last night I decided we'd start a lesson plan and really stick with it. I've made sure to include outings in the many activities just so i have zero excuse to stay indoors.

Being an introvert is no easy task. It's an internal struggle every day. I feel anxiety when I go out alone. I just know one of the boys aren't going to behave and I'm going to endure stares. I smile at people and hope that i wont have to exchange more then that. Socializing has quickly became a struggle all in itself. I never dreamed that I would posses such feelings. I've always considered myself outgoing and a people person. Things sure do change.

PPD once, PPD always?

These two, they are the lights of my life. Everything about my labor and delivery experience was different and unique with each of them. Thankfully, my postpartum self has been as well.

I remember when B was born I was so upset at everyone. I didn't feel a connection to him and I would get so mad when he cried. As soon as I found out I was pregnant with Ryker PPD was on my mind. It was like a black cloud that hovered over me my entire pregnancy. I just knew that I would have it again. I wasn't ready to struggle with it again and so desperately wanted to feel the full joy of having another baby. 

As soon as Ryker was born I knew I wouldn't be experiencing PPD. His birth was the most amazing experience ever. I felt so elated when they laid him upon me. You can tell by the pictures how perfect that moment was (I will not be sharing these. I look horrendous). I never once felt negative with Ryker. I felt like super woman and wanted the whole world to know I just birthed a baby. 

Fast forward to month number four. Ryker is a big bouncing baby and I'm still feeling rad. He makes me smile so often. He has his bad days but I just want to snuggle him. I feel sorry for him instead of angry. I feel connected to this sweet little boy. I feel connected to both my boys. I couldn't imagine I would love B and Ryker so much. They make my world go round.

I want everyone to know there is hope. If you want another baby but PPD is holding you back, go for it. Every situation is different and just because you experience it once doesn't mean it'll happen every time. 

1+1=2

It's been a while since I've taken time out to write. Being a mommy of two is really no joke. It's two loads of laundry a day, added dishes, an angry toddler and a fussy baby in my arms. I wouldn't change a thing though.

The love these boys already have for each other warms my heart. B kisses RyJo a million times a day and brings him just as many toys. He checks on him when he cries and talks to him every chance he gets. He has this need to touch Ryker. He always wants to be holding hands or in his face. As annoying as it may be, it also makes me smile. I love seeing B caring for his little brother.

Mentioning my sweet B, he's two!!! Who knew babies turned into toddlers so fast!? He is such a delight. We spent his birthday home in FL and learned a lot about who our son really is. We've changed up our discipline methods (more on this later) and we're trying to encourage him more. He is a tough cookie and challenges me every day but I need that challenge. 

And then there's our big two month old! I don't lie when I say big; He is a hefty 14lbs! My arms ache after carrying him so he gets wrapped more often then not. He's just now sleeping 5 hours straight at night but still needs to eat every 2 hours during the day. He smiles, coos, and swats at his toys. He is truly precious. 

God has truly blessed us with these two. They're a handful and have presented us with a huge learning curve but I like to think we've combated it well. 

Our Birth Story

Everyone please welcome Ryker Joseph.

This 'little' guy weighs in at a hefty 9lbs 6.5oz and is 21.25 in long. 

His birth was truly something to marvel at. For days we had been trying all kinds of natural "inducers". I'm here to tell everyone that they do not work. I had my membranes stripped twice, religiously took Evening Primrose Oil, ate fresh pineapple and had sex. None of this worked. I was exhausted and my body really ached from carring him. 40 weeks came and went extremely fast. I was upset that he was still in me but we made a conscious decision to let him make an entrance. 

Sunday morning (June 22) I woke at 2 AM really needed to pee. I noticed I was contracting again and brushed it off. They were strong but I had been contracting for a month. When I crawled back in bed I just couldn't get comfortable. I decided timing my contractions would help pass the time. They were rather consistent but it really wasn't a surprise to me. They were 3.5 minutes apart and lasted around 45 seconds. They continued like this an hour before I decided to wake Chance up. I let him know I was getting in the shower and he followed me to continue timing. I kept hearing the water would help but it wasn't really doing much for me. Mind you, I also wasn't in a lot of pain. I gave up on the shower fairly quick and was ready to attempt to sleep again. As soon as I rolled into bed my water gushed everywhere. I started bawling for no reason at all. I felt like the water would never stop. Chance quickly got our bags in the car and I accidentally woke up the little. I had to cuddle him... (side note: I miss him SO much right now). The hospital is a relatively short drive for us and Chance was jazzed to go fast. When we arrived at the hospital I was only at a 4. It was a little disheartening but labor picked up extremely fast. I jumped to a 7 in just a few hours. I paced and peed. Pacing was the only thing that was taking the edge off. By 8 cm I gave in and asked for the epidural. I was over it and walking wasn't helping. I sat on the end of the bed and swung my legs through contractions. The movement was really helping but I was at a point where I couldn't breathe well. I was incredibly dizzy and worn out. I crawled up in bed and made Chance massage my back while frantically moved my hands. The epidural came 30 minutes later but it wasn't the end. The anesthesiologist could not get the catheter threaded. I ended up being stuck 4 times and leaning over for 45 minutes screaming through my contractions. The catheter still was incorrectly threaded but she gave up. By this time I was ready to push. The nurse laid me down to measure me and I was at a 9.5. She shrugged her shoulders and told me to push if I wanted that she would catch him. Another doctor came in just incase my midwife didn't arrive. I laid on my side and pushed through the contractions. It made them feel so much more tolerable. My doctor finally arrived and sat on a stool at the foot of my bed just talking to me. It took 30 very short minutes to push Ryker out. It was such an easy process until his head was at the opening. It sat there for a second and then I realized it wouldn't work. I decided to just push and he popped out. His shoulders were a little too wide and he had to be twisted at this point. This ended up breaking his right clavicle. He was a slow crier and they realized he had a tiny bit of fluid in his lungs and his breathing was a little fast. They only looked him over for a few minutes before handing him to me. They left him with us for at least two hours. It was amazing. 

Check out all of this hair!!

I feel amazing compared to my last birth. My body and emotions are so much healthier feeling. I'm so glad the epidural didn't work out. Ryker is such a good baby and B is already in love. I'm so happy to have them both. 

Weekend Review;

This past weekend was quite a blast for my boys. Early Saturday morning we loaded up the Xterra and drove 5 hours to Carlisle, PA for the 2014 Ford Nationals. The drive went incredibly well! B got in a super good nap and Roscoe stayed on Daddy rhe whole time.

There was so many cars at the show. Mostly Mustangs but that's the boy's main interest anyways. We walked over five miles in 90 degree heat to view the hundreds of cars. B was extremely well behaved and enjoyed calling out colors and saying "GT". Chance on the other hand was in a complete daze. He was everywhere! He was super excited for the burn out competition and even more excited for the 2015 mustang the show had on hand. He had to have pictures and drooled at it for quite some time.

There was also a pretty cool swap meet at the show. Chance found a Mustang he really wants to buy and B scored a couple hot wheels along with some cool new shirts. We stayed Saturday night and went back Sunday morning but at that point the show was dying down. We walked around for a few houes before deciding it was time to head back to VA.

We had such a great time!  It was a really good mini vacation before baby. B was great and the boys loved the cars. My big ole pregnant self returned swollen and sore but I loved seeing the boys so happy.

Weekend Review

It has been such a great weekend for us! This post will be rather lenghty since we've done so much lately.

We are the proud owners of my dream vehicle! 2013 Nissan Xterra Pro-4X. We decided our cars were to small for both babies and all of the stuff we drag along. We spent three days at the dealership but finally got a great price and left happy. I'm already not loving the one vehicle but we'll remedy that soon enough.

We also got B a new bed! With Ryker on the way we knew that we'd need a toddler bed for B. We moved the crib to our room to make breast feeding easier on me and set the new bed up. He loves that he has a car bed. 

We also spent a little time at a car show. B wasn't into taking pictures unfortunately. He's rocking his new Moraki diaper (I'm in love) for memorial day.

Sunday night we spent sometime with our new friends. Combined we have 6 kids and Ryker will make the 7th. We've been hanging out more and more these past two weeks.  It feels great to get along with people that have kids for B to play with. We had a great time and didn't leave until midnight. Everyone was pooped the next day!

Yesterday was the last day the Chrysler Duck was in Norfolk. We finally took time to see it. It was HUGE. So many people were there to see it. B keep quacking and saying yellow. I think it's safe to say he was impressed with the giant bath toy.

We spent our Memorial day weekend as a family. We took time to honor our lost loved ones and remember the freedom they have helped keep possible. Overall we had a great Memorial day weekend and I'm so thankful we spent time together and with our wonderful friends.