When I found out I was pregnant with B, Chance and I were both young and in shock. A quick marriage and a move landed me in VA to work through my first pregnancy without any of my family. I was so terrified! I spent my pregnancy scared and stressing over what would happen. Chance's family wasn't very fond of me and all I could so was think about how things would be. Would Chance and I make it through this with all the added negativity? With all of this weighing on my mind I spent many nights crying myself to sleep. I was upset with myself. How could I end up pregnant when I wasn't done with school? With so much to think about my depression began months before B was even ready to make an appearance.
After having B I remember sitting up at night feeding him and bawling my eyes out. He would NOT stop screaming. I'd walk with him for hours and lay awake with him permanent attached to my boob so he wouldn't scream. I would wisper mean things to myself about how I deserved all of this, only to accidentally awaken Chance so he could chastise me for what I was saying. This went on for months. Fast forward to B and I moving to FL. More pressure was placed on me along with opinions. Living with my parents was so hard when we had such differing opinions in raising B. We fought so much and I'd sit and cry at night holding B wondering if I was really cut out for all the mommy stuff. I knew I needed help but I continued to deny it. During all of this Chance was deployed and had no idea what I was feeling. One day something went down between us and I cracked. I told him all my fears and regrets. I told him how I hated myself and how I was a horrible mother for B. Fighting with Chance was definitely the last straw. I bawled my eyes out trying to explain all the feelings I was having. I feel like he was having such a hard to understanding what I was saying. It was coming out so fast and he had no idea it was even existent.
The worst part of all was never connecting with B. I never felt that extreme love I was suppose to feel. I tried to pressure myself into having a connection and I couldn't. I knew I was cheating B out of what he truly deserved. I felt like I didn't deserve to be his Mommy. Why should I be a Mommy if I can't even connect with my baby? I'll be the first to say as soon as you get this feeling GO SEE YOUR DOCTOR. Don't wait 8 months. That's 8 months you're missing out on. As soon as I got help my love for my B grew. Today I couldn't love his sweet face anymore. He is so precious and perfect. He is my life.
I've decided to write all of this now because my new pregnancy has put me in a bad position. After tons of research I found that my anxiety medicine was a 'class C' pregnancy drug. This means it's been tested on animals to a point and very little on humans. That isn't such a big deal because there are statistics and evidence to show what drugs are safe (including class C) to continue however, with a little extra reading I decided I needed to stop taking my pills. There is significant data showing it causes heart defects, miscarriages, premature births, and respiratory defects when continued. I also learned that breast feeding while on it was completely out of the question. My first reaction to all of this was to quit the medicine immediately. Horrible idea. I was extremely dizzy and didn't want to move off the couch. Chance cuddled me and tried to calm me down. I went back to the web to read about quitting the pills and learned that everything I was feeling was an extreme side effect of the abrupt stop. I quickly starting my pills again and contacted my doctor only to be told they wouldn't change the prescription and I needed to contact the prescribing doctor who is unfortunately in FL. This was so upsetting for me. I was so terrified that something bad with go wrong with the medicine. Today I am happy to say that I'm drug free. I continued to half the pills and cut down the mg over the past two weeks until I felt comfortable enough to quit. I do feel a little sore all over and I have a huge headache but I'm chalking that up to baby #2 saying 'Mommy, I'm really here'.
I wrote this in hopes that people wouldn't be so judgy about PPD and those effected would get help. It's a serious 'illness' that should be taken care of. Please don't think you have to live with it!
No comments:
Post a Comment
Tell me whatcha think :)